“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

“I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.”

“By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!”

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”

“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”