“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”
“I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.”
Steven Wright, Steven Wright Humor“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
Steven Wright“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Steven Wright“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”
Steven Wright“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
Steven Wright“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
Steven Wright“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
Steven Wright“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”
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