“I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.”

“I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of brown-bag paper of the kind suitable for latrine duty in an ill-run correctional facility. Duly unfurled, it carried a handwritten salutation reading as follows:Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your f******I could not possibly improve on the sentiment, but I don't think it ought to depend on the current austerities. Isn't Christmas a moral and aesthetic nightmare whether or not the days are prosperous?”

“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”