“Mom, camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”

“In the end we're all miserable. It's a human condition.”

“Music is love.”

“There's that thing that can happen to you when you meet somebody and you don't consider them extraordinary at all and then they do something like play the cello or write amazing poetry or sing and suddenly you look at them completely differently.”

“Should I have taken him by the hand and led him over to the Zappa? No. I won't spoon-feed the customers. If you don't know your alphabet, you have no business leaving your house, let alone shopping for premium music.”

“Oh here's a nice one, he brown recluse spider. This once resides in wooded areas. In other words, next to my head while I'm sleeping. ' In a small number of cases, a bite from a brown recluse can produce organ damage with occasional fatalities.' ""That's the worst-case scenario. how can it be? It's called a 'recluse'""It's been my experience that all recluses have a mean streak.”

“It's just so sad what we're willing to do for the Joey Spinellis of the world, you know?The mutilating, the tweezing, the enhancing, the plumping, the pinching, the waxing, the starving, the sweating, the bleaching. And for what? So you can wake up next to THAT in thirty years? What are we thinking??”

“Mom, camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”