My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Billy Connolly
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If you give people a chance, they shine.

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I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

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Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Billy Connolly
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Billy Connolly
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I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

Billy Connolly
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When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

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