“NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material. Almost one out of five said people should not be allowed to voice unpopular opinions..This is the first generation after September 11th, who discovered news during a 'watch what you say' administration...George W. Bush once asked, 'is our children learning.' No, they isn't. A better question would be, 'is our teacher's teaching?”

“That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.”

“I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.”

“I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?”

“I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.”

“Every day in America is a day with a shooting.”

“And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.”

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”

“Men are only as loyal as their options.”

“I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?”

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.”