“People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly.”

“Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.”

“The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.”

“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.”

“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”

“The American political system is like fast food--mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things...and everybody wants some.”

“Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.”

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”

“We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it...”

“The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.”

“One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.”