“The big bad monster wasn't green and hiding under the bed, it wore tasteless floral prints, bright scarlet lipstick and sat in the kitchen smoking and saying 'bollocks' alot.”

“The big bad monster wasn't green and hiding under the bed, it wore tasteless floral prints, bright scarlet lipstick and sat in the kitchen smoking and saying 'bollocks' alot.”

“My dad's a very sensitive man, but as the archetypal rebellious teenager, I didn't realise that.”

“My mum is bright, ambitious, well read, political and very bolshie: when my dad was conscripted into the Army and posted to Libya, she convinced some general to let her go with him. I don't know how she managed it.”

“When I got married, the Sun ran the headline: 'Here comes the bride, all fat and wide.' Luckily, it was a few days after the wedding - but it was still hideous to read at a great romantic moment.”

“So, my style has hopefully changed over the years and it is more relaxed, and I do tend to smile and have more than one expression these days hopefully - which I didn't at the beginning.”

“People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare.”

“Everything becomes magnified at night. Sounds travel in a different way, it's dark, and everything seems far more spooky.”

“The comedian sticks as religiously to her theme as a dancer sticks to a diet.”

“With two small children, I haven't had a wash since 2001 so the chance to go shopping is way down the list. It is something I do intend to get.”

“One thing lots of Christians do have in common is that they can't help coming across as smug. This winds lots of people up, particularly because famous Christians pronounce on the life of the poor from their very lovely affluent homes filled with their very lovely families and attractive pets.”

“I'm a Luddite with computers, and I'm slightly worried about being hacked as well.”