“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”

“Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. ”

“Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.”

“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

“To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.”

“Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.”

“I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.”

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”

“Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

“We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. ”