“There is no such thing as inner peace there is only nervousness and death.”

“Chocolate is an excellent flavor for ice cream but both unreasonable and disconcerting in chewing gum.”

“People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.”

“If Fran Lebowitz and Ian Fleming had blessed the world with a love child it would have been author J. Fields Jr.”

“If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.”

“Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.”

“Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.”

“Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.”

“Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.”

“I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.”