“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

“He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.”

“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”

“Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.”

“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.”