“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.”

“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

“He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.”

“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”

“Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.”

“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.”