“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

“The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”