“I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.”

“I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.”

“It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.”

“I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.”

“Golf and dating don't mix.”

“You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.”

“There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.”

“I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'”

“If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.”

“The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.”

“Women love a self-confident bald man.”