“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.”

“There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.”

“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.”

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”

“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.”

“Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.”

“Laughter is an instant vacation.”

“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.”

“I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.”

“Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.”

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”