“Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!”

“If you give people a chance, they shine.”

“I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.”

“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.”

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”

“The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.”

“My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

“I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.”

“When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?”