“It goes without saying that even those of us who are going to hell will get eternal life—if that territory really exists outside religious books and the minds of believers, that is. Having said that, given the choice, instead of being grilled until hell freezes over, the average sane human being would, needless to say, rather spend forever idling in an extremely fertile garden, next to a lamb or a chicken or a parrot, which they do not secretly want to eat, and a lion or a tiger or a crocodile, which does not secretly want to eat them.”

“The news is glorified gossip.”

“Dear Whoever-that-just-found-out-that-they-have-a-terminal-illness, don't let that put you down. Technically, we are all dying.”

“He who makes fun of a short and fat man’s weight is much less cruel than he who makes fun of his height.”

“We are all 'foreigners' to [the remainder of: the human race minus our countrymen].”

“A killer is someone who killed another without their country’s permission.”

“Insurance companies sell what might happen tomorrow. Historians sell what certainly happened yesterday.”

“Speaking one’s mind once is more honorable than quoting a thousand men.”

“An editor is someone who is paid to tell a writer what she thinks about how he wrote what he thinks about.”

“A makeover is the rebranding of a human being.”

“The boring thing about being interesting is that you bore boring people.”